"How are you?"
"I'm fine." / "I'm good." / "I'm okay."
Those tend to be my responses when people ask since the great earthquake.
Well, it occurred to me today... am I really?
I think everything has been getting to me lately... I've noticed I'm kind of stuck in a rut.
This past month was full of stress... understandably so. And as well as I thought I was dealing with it... I think in reality, I was keeping it all inside. And with every aftershock felt, with every tsunami warning... with any stressful thing that has occurred... I've just taken it in and put it aside.
I think I've forgotten how to deal with things. I just leave it inside.
Well, Victor... it's coming to the point where not much more can fit inside... you're going to have to learn to face things and deal with them again.
The earthquakes and aftershocks... I guess that's basically out of my control. But, going to Thailand for a week should be a nice escape. I want to remember what it's like to not feel the ground beneath me shake for a day or two... or a WEEK! Back to the days where an earthquake happened every 1, 2, or 3 months. Yes, just ONE... per month or two or three.
That's all I can do for that issue... April 29th can't come soon enough!
Next... my new school.
It's a great school... it has great and nice teachers... it has awesome kids! In fact, I remember the day when 2 other ALTs and I were being shown to our schools when we first started here in Tokai... and, well... I was envious of the ALT that was to start in this school... the one I have now. It looked like such a great school... and my old school seemed to fail in comparison.
But, as we know... you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. Sure enough... my school turned out to be amazing. Everything about it was amazing. I love... yes, still LOVE that school. I formed great relationships with my teachers and great bonds with the students. Two amazing years took place within that school... and, I'm just sad that I had to leave that school.
Actually... I'm more than just sad... I have a wide range of emotions... including anger, confusion, disappointment, and basically any other negative emotion.
This new school is great... it really is... I'm not against it in anyway... I just didn't want to change schools. The fact that it had to happen after the earthquake and while we were dealing with the aftermath didn't help either. I kept thinking how it'd be bad for the kids to have to deal with a change when they already have other things to deal with since the earthquake, but it didn't even occur to me that I should prepare and anticipate how much it would affect me as well.
::sigh::
I just need time... oh time... you need to hurry up. I don't think I'll feel the same as I did in my past school... but, hopefully I can accept it soon enough.
It helps that I finally started teaching this week. I'm able to begin building relationships with these new kids... and they're great! Usually all kids are... especially in Japan.
... but, that being said... I guess that's kind of one of the issues too... I'm building relationships... which means, I don't have any type of relationship with them at all.
I miss my old kids and how I could joke or approach anyone and basically do or talk about anything. I knew their names... they had their own names for me... it was... comfortable and easy.
At the new school... I don't know what to do but stand there and wait/hope for a kid to approach me. I don't know anybody's name... I don't have any inside jokes... I don't know which kids I can seriously joke with and what kids I need to be a bit more serious with.
I guess... the main thing is... it's hard for me to let new people in... just as it's hard for me to let go of people.
Was talking to my mom and she said I get attached too easily. Never realize how true that was. It's funny because I've always seen myself as adaptable and able to accept change. I guess that still holds true... but, like she mentioned to me... I'm also resistant to change... especially when I have a good thing going.
Well, I opened the lid keeping my issues in. I'm putting it out there and, in a way... writing an entry about them is my way of dealing with them. I'm addressing them... I'm talking about them... so, I'm realizing how I feel and why I feel the way I do.
... and with time... they'll all be dealt with and hopefully I'll have an empty container waiting to fill with issues again.
... I really should learn just to deal with them upfront rather than storing them in... but, that's a whole other mess I will one day get to... heh heh...
3 comments:
Umm... you do realise that Thailand and Burma had a magnitude 7.0 quake just a few weeks ago, right?
http://edition.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/03/24/myanmar.quake/index.html?iref=allsearch
I'm really proud of how you're facing yourself like this Vic. It's not an easy thing for anyone to do...
Is this the blog you hadn't been ready to write or is another blog about the actual events to come?
Just my opinion, but I think it would also help to read something called 'the Quakebook' as it might help that you can relate to others who were also affected or give you a release for your emotions...
Thailand will be so much fun! and definitely a well-deserved and needed reprieve from this past month.
I'm usually the kind of person that likes to give off a strong front, and let people think that nothing affects me EVER. In the past, when I've had something traumatic happen to me, I've tried to keep busy until it all went away. Lately, however, I've noticed that it's a technique that doesn't really work, at least not in the long-term. I don't know if you've read some of previous blogs, but I've suggested that it's necessary to have a few minutes of introspection each day and really think about how particular events in your life affect you.
I remember when the earthquake/tsunami had just occurred, I kept telling you how much I admired you for staying so strong, but I also encourage you to talk about it as much as possible. You always said that you were fine, that you were just trying to stop thinking about it, etc. I think that what you're feeling now is completely normal and the best way to deal with it, is just to let whatever your feeling take over for a bit, let it all come out, and then banish it. You're going through a lot of changes and it's okay to feel anxious/fearful about what's to come. But, we just gotta keep on going. Like Jenny said, I'm really proud of you too.
Take tons of pictures in Thailand! (I've been dying to go there forever!!!)
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