"I'm paranoid I'm paranoid and everyone's coming to get me..."

I wrote this while at school on Thursday because I really needed to vent about the school I was at that day. I was meaning to type it up, but then got lazy and didn't really want to... but, now, I don't want this entry to go to waste either since I let a lot of what's been bothering me about the school out. So, yeah... here goes:

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I hate how paranoid I was today.

I apparently was scheduled for an observation by the Board of Education today. Did anybody bother telling me...

... no...

Not that it really matters one way or another since I really shoud be at my best at all times. But, in all honesty... different aspects just get me all paranoid.

I mean... for one thing, why do these observations always occur at the school whose teachers I feel aren't fond of me. Problem is... I'm slowly beginning to sense a fakeness about htem. Kind of like the few times I do interact with the teachers... they're all nice and smiley... but, what truly goes on behind closed doors... in their minds... whenever I'm not around.

Not only are these observations always at this school, but it's also always with my least supportive/responsive teacher. I mean, I sit next to her and rarely... actually, I take that back... she only talks to me when there's no other choice.

"Victor, you're getting observed in class... did you know?"

Well, she obviously did know and didn't bother to mention it to me. She usually gives me like 10 minutes to do somethign when I have her class... but, today I had the whole period to teach... that should've hinted that something was up and that she knew from before.

But, again... I must reiterate that this is all the product of my paranoia.

In fact... I wonder if it was even a plot. To get me observed when I'm at my worst? With the other English teachers... I do much much better since they actually help me and interact with me and give me feedback. And their students are very responsive too.

Oh... speaking about helping me out. Why was she even opening the doors and closing them behind me when she usually leaves me in her dust to catch up after her? Why was she moving around the classroom and helping me out when she usually sits at a dest and keeps to herself?

These thoughts are plaguing me now, and it really aggravates me. I want to have my normal thoughts like: she didn't want me to look bad in front of the higher power... so, that's why she was helping. And she kind of has been more interactive lately.

These are what I should be thinking... but, they've been replaced with, "I think she just wanted to show how interactive and helpful she is... when, in fact she was only like that because people were observing the classroom." I bet it killed her inside to actually have to interact with me...

... how harsh is that?

Well, not just her... I've recently been wondering about my first-year English teacher as well. It sucks since I thought we had bonded... but, now I wonder if every interaction has been nothing more than one big, ol' FAKE OUT! More harshness (especially with the CAPS). But, once again... a product of this paranoia that's growing inside of me.

She laughs, she talks to me and is welcoming... when I do up to her. If not for that... I'm wondering if she'd just be like the teacher sitting next to me.

Anyway, don't think my observation was bad. Not my best.. but, not bad. I figured that'd be it. The observers would leave from there. But, such was not the case. After returning from a PE class after the observation since I had nothing to do, I walk into the faculty room to see my three JTE's of that school walk out of the principal's office... all of them... ignoring me. Maybe they didn't see me, but, not what I'm thinking since I was right in front of them. Seemed to me as if they wanted to avoid me since they were just talking about me. I kept to myself as the three went to "wash their cups". I exited the room since it was too uncomfortable for me... only to have no choice but return inside since there was no PE class going on. As I want in, I see the Kyoto Sensei, who was also just in the meeting, whispering to the teacher next to him. Though... I'll admit I don't recall if he was whispering before... but, I'm pretty sure he paused briefly when he saw me. The three teachers then return from "washing their cups" for at least 20 minutes. Yeah... not really slick there.

See... if you have good things to say... a meeting doesn't last over an hour.

"We like the way he works and interacts with the students... he's a good person... we want him to stay longer..."

Yeah, not much to say after that. I feel a meeting where problems and complaints are being said lasts longer than an hour.

At least the Kyoto Sensei... after maybe talking about me... made an effort to tell me something. Not sure what it exactly was that he was trying to tell me since he doesn't speak English and I wasn't understanding his Japanese. But, you know what... he made an attempt and didn't stop explaining in different ways until I said I understood despite the language barrier.

Hmmm... it's not like I have 3 highly capable English teachers in that school to give me feedback about the meeting... ::grumble, grumble::

He basically said something along the lines of asking the JTE for feedback whenever a class is over.

Psssh... like I didn't attempt that before... "Feel free to tell me if there's something you'd like me to do differently or if you have any comments... please tell me."

But, that's not really me complaining about the Kyoto Sensei. Even if he is just as fake as everyone possibly is... I don't really interact with him enough for it to bother me. And, once again... he actually made an effort to let me know what might have been talked about for over an hour.

What really ticks me off is that I ate lunch with two of the JTE's. Well, one was the one that doesn't talk to me... so... psssh... not going to get anything out of her. And the other teacher... the first year teacher who I thought I was cool with... yeah, she actually was sitting next to me. Not one word out of her... in fact, it was so awkward sitting next to her. I could just feel this weird tension... like if she's saying... "Oh God... he's next to me. Just keep eating and don't even check your peripheral or he might talk..."

Needless to say, she didn't acknowledge the fact that I was next to her... less than a foot away... ::sigh::

I don't like being paranoid. Just tell me straight up that you don't like me... that you don't like how I work/teach. Trust me... I can deal. Yeah, it'll bother me a bit... but, at the end I won't care. I could care less what you guys think of me. You guys don't really mean much to me. My other schools and teachers like me... I haven't really had any complaints or negativity from them.

But, most importantly... I'm her for the students. And lets face it... they all like me... love me even (from the way they all run up and want to interact with me). As long as I'm cool in their books, you're opinions of me mean shit. Actually... the shit of shit.

So, just tell me already so that I can move on and get rid of this paranoia... I hate myself for letting them get to me and making me all paranoid.

Worst of all... I hate how it has affected me today. My second class, which was the same as the one that was observed earlier... was basically a disaster compared to the first one. The JTE not only returned to her regular "unsupportive, unresponsive, leave me in her dust" ways... but, if possible, was kind of staring me down. It broke my concentration and I didn't feel like the one teaching. I was like an outside viewer watching me make mistakes since I wasn't paying attention to what I was saying... ::sigh::

Luckily... my students rock! After class... a group of them came to me to talk and made me forget about a certain puta. I kept out of the faculty room and was watching different club activities until I could officially go home. Thank you students!