Rationalizations of Insecurities

Wrote this while trying to kill time in school:

Here I is... bored once again iwth nothing to do. At least today's classes involved the first-years--they are fun and very energetic... making it easy to teach them. I'm surprised that my first-year JTE also took my advice/comment on letting me know if there is something she didn't like or would like to change... mostly because, even if you tell them that... they don't really approach you about it.

But, I have to admit it did bother me some.

Not in the annoying sense, but in the it sort of makes me wonder whether I'm doing a good job. Because, ever since I told her it's okay to give me feedback, she gives me feedback after every class. It didn't help that when I apllied the first two periods advice she gave me today in an effective way for the third class, she gave me a compliment... adding something that turned it into a sort of back-handed compliment.

She told me that the class really understood my game explanation clearly. I then apologized that it took me a while to figure out how to clearly explain it (without using Japanese since I'm cutting down on my Japanese speaking during classes). She responded to this statement by saying,

"It's okay... I'm here to teach you since you have no experience."

I guess it doesn't sound bad hearing it now... but, that's because I had to rationalize it in my head before. See, the reason it bothered me at first was because that seems like a statement that should've been made at the beginning of me starting this job... not like 6 months down the line. It made me wonder if she, and the other teachers mostly (since this is the school that I feel don't really like me), have thought I've been doing bad this whole time.

But, like I said, I worked it out in my head so it wouldn't bother me. First, I did tell her to let me know any advice/comments she had to make the class run more smoothly... so, she's doing what I asked. Second, even with 6 months at this job... it still adds up to being inexperienced compared to her and the others having been teachers for a while and actually going to school for it. So, it doesn't bother me much, but, I want to make sure I do great... especially since I have a bad habit of wanting to please everyone.

Oh well... it all ended up being fun and exciting for the students... they were laughing and participating like crazy the whole time. And, if anything... I'm here for the students... not the teachers... fuck them!

Heh heh...

But, in all honesty... the students do like me. I have nothing to really worry about since I know if the continue to like me, the teachers can't really complain about anything.

I know they like me because they are always eager to come up to me and talk... even if it's to say "Harou!"

A student even went so far as to say this as he passed me:

"Always nice guy! You great! You great teacher!!! Cool!"

So, with comments like that... I can do no wrong!

\o/



... Jenny beat me a Chinese Checkers... but, psssh... only by one move... NOT A BIG DEAL!

Heh heh... and, with that... I'm done with this post!